Recovery

This is probably something that is a little too private for facebook. So I guess I'll leave the full version on xanga where it'll be completely anonymous. lol

My name is Antonio Wong and I'm a compulsive gambler. Actually typing that out was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Among my friends and relatives that term is thrown around lightly, even affectionately. I really wanted to type "I was a compulsive gambler." But honesty is a big part of the recovery. The easiest person to lie to is yourself and it's a habit that many of us are guilty of far too often. I've been casino clean for 10 months and 2 days. I haven't played my beloved Poker since February. I did gamble in Macau, but only in the spirit of recreation. No excuses. So my clean time is far less impressive. It's at about 87 days. Well then there was the family blackjack on July 5th. But that was only for pocket change and it was tradition. No excuses. I've been clean for 9 days. Well that's a great way to minimize an achievement. Falling off the wagon aside...

Having drastically reduced the amount of time, effort and money I used to waste on gambling I have very painfully, inexorably and slowly shift my life in the direction I want. It hasn't been easy nor has it been the glorious euphoric freedom I had imagined. Gambling has been replaced by increased partying and useless spending. Now that too will be severely curbed. But I have marshaled the growing scraps of willpower into a mildly respectable force. But first a bit of recap.

Immediately following my cold turkey break with the casinos last September I entered a period of complete abstinence from gambling. But I hung on to my poker habit because poker is a game of calculated risk and applied skill. In theory, perhaps, but for a recovering compulsive, poker is just one more place for the disease to manifest. Online I was fine, merrily clicking away at my short-handed ring games steadily growing my once pitiful bankroll. But my live game suffered horribly. I "rewarded" my good online play with sessions of "recreational" live play. It wasn't until a car accident at the end of February that I managed to begin to get a grip on myself. I was at the end of another weeklong marathon of work, poker, work, poker, 2 hours of sleep, rinse, repeat. I was on my way home for some much needed sleep after an early morning condo showing (of course I went to work in the morning, making good money is very important when you spend the rest of your time blowing it.) I was 2 blocks from home when the car in front of me stopped short and I was out of it for a moment. But in that split second of distraction I had closed too close to the car in front of me. I had just enough time to swerve to the right to dodge the baby in the backseat. BOOM. Luckily nobody was injured, but it could have been much much worse.

It has been nearly five months since that Sunday in February when I had the rude awakening. I've been making plenty of mistakes on this road to recovery, but I've finally ironed out most of the kinks. Some think this whole self-improvement/recovery angle is just a temporary phase. If that's how your feel, then fuck you. If I wanted your opinions I would look for some used toilet paper. Unsolicited advice is most unwelcome. I've always been a big fan of upgrades.

I'm going to start with myself.

Self-control and self-improvement are two very difficult tasks. I am going to undertake both at the same time and I pity the fool that stands in my way. hahaha It's going to be a long and painful process, but I'm ready for the challenge. NOPR!!!