This is probably something that is a little too private for facebook. So I guess I'll leave the full version on xanga where it'll be completely anonymous. lol
My name is Antonio Wong and I'm a compulsive gambler. Actually typing that out was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Among my friends and relatives that term is thrown around lightly, even affectionately. I really wanted to type "I was a compulsive gambler." But honesty is a big part of the recovery. The easiest person to lie to is yourself and it's a habit that many of us are guilty of far too often. I've been casino clean for 10 months and 2 days. I haven't played my beloved Poker since February. I did gamble in Macau, but only in the spirit of recreation. No excuses. So my clean time is far less impressive. It's at about 87 days. Well then there was the family blackjack on July 5th. But that was only for pocket change and it was tradition. No excuses. I've been clean for 9 days. Well that's a great way to minimize an achievement. Falling off the wagon aside...
Having drastically reduced the amount of time, effort and money I used to waste on gambling I have very painfully, inexorably and slowly shift my life in the direction I want. It hasn't been easy nor has it been the glorious euphoric freedom I had imagined. Gambling has been replaced by increased partying and useless spending. Now that too will be severely curbed. But I have marshaled the growing scraps of willpower into a mildly respectable force. But first a bit of recap.
Immediately following my cold turkey break with the casinos last September I entered a period of complete abstinence from gambling. But I hung on to my poker habit because poker is a game of calculated risk and applied skill. In theory, perhaps, but for a recovering compulsive, poker is just one more place for the disease to manifest. Online I was fine, merrily clicking away at my short-handed ring games steadily growing my once pitiful bankroll. But my live game suffered horribly. I "rewarded" my good online play with sessions of "recreational" live play. It wasn't until a car accident at the end of February that I managed to begin to get a grip on myself. I was at the end of another weeklong marathon of work, poker, work, poker, 2 hours of sleep, rinse, repeat. I was on my way home for some much needed sleep after an early morning condo showing (of course I went to work in the morning, making good money is very important when you spend the rest of your time blowing it.) I was 2 blocks from home when the car in front of me stopped short and I was out of it for a moment. But in that split second of distraction I had closed too close to the car in front of me. I had just enough time to swerve to the right to dodge the baby in the backseat. BOOM. Luckily nobody was injured, but it could have been much much worse.
It has been nearly five months since that Sunday in February when I had the rude awakening. I've been making plenty of mistakes on this road to recovery, but I've finally ironed out most of the kinks. Some think this whole self-improvement/recovery angle is just a temporary phase. If that's how your feel, then fuck you. If I wanted your opinions I would look for some used toilet paper. Unsolicited advice is most unwelcome. I've always been a big fan of upgrades.
I'm going to start with myself.
Self-control and self-improvement are two very difficult tasks. I am going to undertake both at the same time and I pity the fool that stands in my way. hahaha It's going to be a long and painful process, but I'm ready for the challenge. NOPR!!!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
FREEDOM!!!
It's a dreary 4th of July in New York City. Humid, muggy, and cloudy, quite the opposite of the beautiful weather we've been having of late. An ominous portent for the 233rd year of the empire, um, Union.
Fires rage across California, massive floods inundate hundreds of thousands of acres in the Midwest. Soaring prices for everything from milk and wheat to gas and corn are stretching already thin budgets well past the breaking point. Credit cards are maxed out, the house is leveraged to the point where that studio with no bath and four wheels, formerly known as an SUV, is beginning to look like a great housing alternative, if only there was enough gas in the tank to keep it on the road away from the repo trucks. Poverty is rising. Crime is increasing steadily. Corruption is rampant. Things look very bleak indeed and those are just the in-house troubles.
At the gates, the barbarians have amassed for decades. Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, North Korea, etc. etc. Why they're there is far less important than the fact that they are in fact there. So we face a war on three fronts. Foreign, domestic and against nature itself. Once again, quite bleak.
It appears as if our fearless leader has lost the mandate of heaven for some time now. Half a year more until the next Caesar and lets hope our current one is not remembered as Romulus Augustus.
So what is the point of this mini tirade?
On this venerable day, we the people, have decided that we have been unconditionally deprived of our inalienable rights for far too long. Life has become hollow, liberty is a farce, the pursuit of happiness a convoluted mirage. We have taxation without comprehension, food without nutrition, and war without definition. There are more causes which impel our separation today than if King George III himself were to rise from the grave to assume power.
"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security." (That declaration of independence sure is well written.)
Maybe it really is time for a change. Not the type of change exhorted by a certain attorney cum senator from Illinois who would be far more successful if he were to go state to state revitalizing the auto and housing markets. That man and his speech writers could sell sand in the desert. Instead we need real change. Change on a fundamental level. Change that could create USA 2.0. Faster, leaner, more efficient, more powerful like perfectly tuned Ferrari engine that could get 2000 mpg while towing an 18 wheeler full of corn and free range chicken with zero emissions. But to even whisper such thoughts borders on treason. To speak of...gasp...revolution is pure heresy.
To change a world you must first change a nation. To change a nation you must first change the people. To change the people you must first change the person and to change the person you must first change yourself. Yes there it is. The point. Change yourself! The tiny iota of free will that you are capable of exerting has its greatest influence on you, nothing else. Stop looking for god, fate, the government, Kiyosaki or Harry Potter to hand you that magic wand. You've been given a tool of change. If you're reading this then you have not only a better standard of living than 99% of humans who have ever lived, but you also have the intelligence (and the time) to effectively change your life. What kind of world do you want for your children? More importantly, what kind of world do you want for yourself?
So on this independence day make the change. Declare independence from the monotony, the self-imprisonment, the hopelessness and the despair. Change yourself, no one else can. Happy 4th of July!
Fires rage across California, massive floods inundate hundreds of thousands of acres in the Midwest. Soaring prices for everything from milk and wheat to gas and corn are stretching already thin budgets well past the breaking point. Credit cards are maxed out, the house is leveraged to the point where that studio with no bath and four wheels, formerly known as an SUV, is beginning to look like a great housing alternative, if only there was enough gas in the tank to keep it on the road away from the repo trucks. Poverty is rising. Crime is increasing steadily. Corruption is rampant. Things look very bleak indeed and those are just the in-house troubles.
At the gates, the barbarians have amassed for decades. Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, North Korea, etc. etc. Why they're there is far less important than the fact that they are in fact there. So we face a war on three fronts. Foreign, domestic and against nature itself. Once again, quite bleak.
It appears as if our fearless leader has lost the mandate of heaven for some time now. Half a year more until the next Caesar and lets hope our current one is not remembered as Romulus Augustus.
So what is the point of this mini tirade?
On this venerable day, we the people, have decided that we have been unconditionally deprived of our inalienable rights for far too long. Life has become hollow, liberty is a farce, the pursuit of happiness a convoluted mirage. We have taxation without comprehension, food without nutrition, and war without definition. There are more causes which impel our separation today than if King George III himself were to rise from the grave to assume power.
"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security." (That declaration of independence sure is well written.)
Maybe it really is time for a change. Not the type of change exhorted by a certain attorney cum senator from Illinois who would be far more successful if he were to go state to state revitalizing the auto and housing markets. That man and his speech writers could sell sand in the desert. Instead we need real change. Change on a fundamental level. Change that could create USA 2.0. Faster, leaner, more efficient, more powerful like perfectly tuned Ferrari engine that could get 2000 mpg while towing an 18 wheeler full of corn and free range chicken with zero emissions. But to even whisper such thoughts borders on treason. To speak of...gasp...revolution is pure heresy.
To change a world you must first change a nation. To change a nation you must first change the people. To change the people you must first change the person and to change the person you must first change yourself. Yes there it is. The point. Change yourself! The tiny iota of free will that you are capable of exerting has its greatest influence on you, nothing else. Stop looking for god, fate, the government, Kiyosaki or Harry Potter to hand you that magic wand. You've been given a tool of change. If you're reading this then you have not only a better standard of living than 99% of humans who have ever lived, but you also have the intelligence (and the time) to effectively change your life. What kind of world do you want for your children? More importantly, what kind of world do you want for yourself?
So on this independence day make the change. Declare independence from the monotony, the self-imprisonment, the hopelessness and the despair. Change yourself, no one else can. Happy 4th of July!
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