Madman laughing at the rain and frowning at the clouds

Is it a sign of old age or dementia that the weather is increasingly becoming the dominant factor in my daily moods? On sunny days I feel as if every moment is another gift waiting to be unwrapped, I feel the boundless possibilities stretch out infinitely in every direction, nothing can stand in my way, world here I come! On cloudy days there's always too much traffic, too little time, too many people and way too many damned clouds. The ever changing choices that once seemed so prolific are whittled down to an interminable monotony marching towards inexorably towards inevitable oblivion. Maybe I should move to a sunnier destination, or maybe I should seek professional help and a big bottle of Zoloft for SAD.

The last week has been mostly cloudy with sporadic outbreaks of sun causing some tremendously unsettling mood swings. Usually these changes occur on a daily basis, but being able to observe them in such close proximity to each other have given me a unique perspective into my own cuckooness.

Most people aim to get through life by spending too much, eating a lot, avoiding hard work, finding easy ass and getting drunk. Those who manage to achieve in all five categories are exalted and envied by the rest who strive to over indulge to varying degrees of failure. The minority who aspire to loftier goals will still find themselves invariably stuck in the occasional rut chasing the fave five. It is probably written into our genetic code; following the path of least resistance must be an evolutionary fail safe designed to keep us curious georges out of trouble.

Today while driving down Division street, a street in Chinatown which opens up into a thoroughfare wide enough for 6 cars yet somehow only has two lanes, a woman in a minivan was driving at a speed which could only be described as a miracle of physics. It can only be described as the smallest quantifiable unit of velocity that would differentiate a stationary object from one in motion. Thinking that perhaps it was a parked car or that a million ants had decided to play move the minivan I decided to pass her on the left and when I turned to look I saw the reason for this anti-speed demon, she was having an animated conversation on her cell phone which must have been utterly earth shattering yet not so intense as to distract from simultaneously attempting to paint her face in order to lure more unsuspecting prey into the gaping maw where a mouth should be.

For a brief moment I had an out of body experience. A primal rage welled up from the recesses of my mind and summarily kicked the logic, empathy along with every other scrap of rational or compassionate thought from my head. I pounded the horn as if gold coins would fall out and swerved in front of her. At that same moment my higher brain functions snuck back in my other ear as I tried to calm down until the beast woman was snapped out of her riveting conversation by unbridled indignation at my apparent insanity. She honked back and in what was probably the most exercise she's gotten in the past four decades she extended an elephant leg outside of her window and raised what looked to be a fleshy stub covered in fish oils and fried chicken crumbs. Apparently she was giving me the finger.

Higher brain functions went on a brief sabbatical for another few moments as I unleashed a torrent of vitriolic insults in two and a half dialects of Chinese, English, Spanish and sign language. Nothing like a Quadri-lingual tirade to get through to someone. I don't recall too much of what I said but the indignation on her ghastly face quickly turned into outrage then fear then tears. That's when my logical self reasserted its rightful place and I drove off.

I began to dissect the situation in my mind as I continued on my merry way. She could have been lost and asking for directions, she could have had a medical condition which required her to keep her cholesterol at 450, she could have been having car trouble, etc. etc. my mind continued to invent scenarios that could explain her complete disregard for traffic safety and driving etiquette. Then again maybe she was a heinous bitch that deserved a lot more than a verbal volley.

Instead I decided to focus inward and examine why I would lose my normally exhausting range of self-control and patience over something as banal as road rage. That's where I found my answer. A deeply twisted Gordian knot of frustration. The frustration stemmed from the fact that some, actually most people will never understand.

I could continue screaming into this digital void till the end of time, I could publish books, host seminars, distribute pamphlets, organize mass cults to do the same, but still they would not hear, and even if by some miracle they did hear, they would never listen. Some people will just never ever see that they are narrow-minded self-serving fools who will never stop blaming others for their misfortune, for their bad luck, for their dead ends and their unfulfilled wishes.

I was the one who put myself in a position to be affected by that moron of a woman. I know that driving down that street while hungry and in search of a parking spot is a recipe for an angry explosion. I could have easily just driven straight to the uncrowded side of Chinatown and parked in a lot. I would've saved myself a lot of time and headache. Could the woman have been less agitating? Of course. Could the city have more street parking and less bike lanes? Of course. Could the other drivers have cursed at her ineptitude earlier so that I wouldn't have to? Of course. However all of those things are beyond my control.

The only variable that I have the ability to directly affect is myself; either my actions or my reactions. I chose to go down that road and I chose to get angry and I chose to lash out. I did those things and I suffered the consequences. ACCOUNTABILITY.

People will be assholes. Traffic will suck. Things will fuck up when you least expect them to. But those are universal constants. The only things you can change are your actions and perceptions.

We don't choose when, where or how we're born. We don't get to pick our numbers in the genetic lottery, but just about everything else is up for grabs. Don't be bitter, don't be jealous, just figure out what you want and go get it without worrying about whether you deserve it or whoever else may have it. Get some. Go. Now.