Midnight rant: Gold diggers, Asian mobs and NYC cabbies Share

It's not quite midnight yet, but I plan on going to bed early, so I'm getting a head start.

Gold diggers. Once upon a time in a different forum, I wrote an ode to the time honored art of gold digging. Given the Great recession, record unemployment and an overall degradation in our society's moral fiber, gold digging is quietly shedding its pejorative connotations, at least in private. In these trying times there is often public outcry against the "haves" from the increasingly entitled and dependent "have-nots." For the sake of simplicity let's just use the terms really rich (RR) and not rich enough (NRE.) I hesitate to use rich and poor because true poverty is no laughing matter and falls outside the realm of even my cynicism.

Private jets, luxury sports cars, sprawling mansions and trophy arm candy. A few years ago this would have just been another episode of MTV cribs and 10 years before that it would have been an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Nowadays that same footage is used as irrefutable evidence of the evils of the patrician elite who have preyed mercilessly on the proletariat for far too long, in other words CNN at 10pm. The RR have been vilified by the same media outlets that have dangled that lifestyle as bait for the NRE ever since mass advertising was invented.

This country was built on the unbridled pursuit of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. But since the NREs are finally starting to realize that they will never be rich enough, the hatorade begins to flow freely. The CEOs of the big 3 car companies got dragged through the mud for taking private jets despite the fact that they had piss poor performance. Well if that is the standard that we're setting then all of congress should get metro cards and the great Obama should be cruising around the capital in a KIA spectra. Last time I checked democracy was not synonymous with meritocracy and capitalism did not mean fair.

Hypocrisy is the rule of the day. We all want to be rich, but we cannot look like we want to be rich. If someone sells you a piece of junk car for $4500 then that's a criminal offense. But when you sell your shit to the government so everyone across the country can pay $4500 then it's bloody economic stimulus. A bad deal is a bad deal no matter who's making it. Putting lipstick on a pig doesn't change the fact that it's pig even though it gets more matches on Eharmony.

Now what in heaven's name does this have to do with gold digging? Gold diggers have been unjustly marginalized for far too long because to embrace gold digging would be embracing the truth and that is something that so many of us are terrified of. The TRUTH. The truth is we are a nation of gold diggers. In fact nearly every city west of the Rockies would be endless tracts of undeveloped land if it weren't for gold diggers. Gold diggers didn't always wear too tight dresses from Forever XXI, and just because they've traded their shovels and pickaxes for Prada bags and La Perla doesn't mean they don't work just as hard as my distant ancestors. A gold digger knows what they want and they go get it. Perhaps that clarity of purpose and commitment to a cause makes the rest of the aimless mob jealous and spiteful. There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but it's better to get there with gold.

In the same vein, last weekend at Hiro I witnessed a despicable scene. I am deeply ashamed to have been a part of such a fiasco. Outside of the too cool for itself lounge there was a throng of about 100 East Asian boys all decked out in their cream colored suits, shiny purple shirts and tight fitting polos. No it was not a gay club, just an another Asian party in NYC. Peacocking has been driven to unbelievably unnecessary heights. Anyhow, as everyone was patiently queued, a heavily intoxicated white guy in Princeton thug wear was screaming into the night sky while being dragged by his hot girlfriend. Infused with scotch fueled rage he was spoiling for a fight. He began screaming at a group of 3 Korean guys. "What the fuck are you looking at? You want some? What are you gonna do about it? BITCH! etc., etc." The Korean guys acted very mature and told him to go home, take it easy and call it a night. The girlfriend continued to apologize profusely. But as with all bullies, fascists and terrorists he was only emboldened by their attempts at appeasement. He came charging back at the group yelling racial epithets doing mock Tae Kwon Do kicks and eventually shoving one of the guys.

The whole time this incident was unfolding the other 97 Asian guys stood on the sidelines transfixed like a Coliseum crowd mesmerized by the prospect of impending bloodshed.

The shovee reciprocated with an angry "Now you're making me mad." The drunkard was not deterred by the strong language and took a swing at the Korean guy. The Korean guy's friend jumped in and I assumed he would begin pounding the fool senseless, but alas it appeared that it was Princeton's lucky night he had stumbled onto three oath bound pacifists. The friend just tried to break up the fight. Having already achieved a clear moral victory,the white guy let his girlfriend drag him away while still hurling threats and racial epithets. Everyone, myself included, just let him walk away unscathed.

After he was gone the collective group of 100 or so Zen warriors congratulated themselves on their expert self-control and maturity in the face of danger. BULL FUCKING SHIT. Everyone pussied out because it was a white guy in a blazer. 400 years of inferiority complexes, social suppression and groupthink allowed 100 people to be cowed by a single dude in a blazer. If Princeton had been Asian he would have been jumped. If he had been black, spanish or Sioux Indian he would have been similarly assaulted.

At the time I told myself that it wasn't my fight and that I shouldn't get involved. Now a week later I realize that it was definitely my fight despite the fact that the outcome would have been the 100 guys fighting each other.

Scenario: White guy shoves group of Koreans. I intercede on their behalf. They look at me and say I could've handled that myself. What are you trying to say? That I'm a pussy?

End result: Massive brawl while Princeton laughs at the civil strife he caused.

Lose/lose situation.

If it was a 100 black guys standing outside of Hiro. Princeton would've dragged his ass into a cab so fast he would've set a new land speed record.

So in the racial hierarchy of street fights, us Asians are still ranked at the very bottom of the totem pole. No respect, because we've done nothing to deserve any.

With that painful revelation we are brought to the subject of cabbies.

Why the hell do they drive like complete and utter morons. I understand that they're just trying to make buck, but what the hell? So am I and I don't need you endangering my life and my insurance premiums with your godawful driving and inability to use a turn signal or pull up to a fucking curb to pick up your fare.

Today as I was driving down Houston a cab driver was having a conversation through his passenger side window with another cabbie and then suddenly swerves left into my lane without looking. I narrowly avoided a massive collision to my passenger side. Perhaps the shame and guilt of last weekend was still brewing inside me, so I snapped. I pulled in front of him and got of the car to inform him of his clear need to improve his driving abilities. I also vehemently suggested that he should fornicate his vision or some such road rage colloquialism. Having vented my disapproval I turned to get back in my car when the bastard hack gave me the finger. Instead of apologizing for almost killing my passenger the piece of shit gives me the finger. Pet peeves: rude behavior and especially rude gestures.

So I walk up to his window and tell him to exit the vehicle so that we can discuss this like civilized human beings. He declined my invitation. So I figured he couldn't hear me through his window. So I opened it for him with my foot a fact that really didn't sit well with him and something that apparently was the source of endless amusement for a couple of fedex guys who had stopped to watch.

To the untrained eye it would appear as if I was engaged in felony assault. However a closer examination of the facts would reveal that I was acting in self defense. Since he was trying to kill me with his car, vehicular homicide, it was my right to defend myself by disarming him. In this case it meant separating him from his vehicle. Having made my point, I got back into the car fuming at what an annoyingly hypocritical and racist world we live in.

And now ladies and gentleman it is almost midnight and time for bed. Go forth and dig gold, fight the good fight and only tip the polite cabbies.