View from the top of the V

For the uninitiated the "V" is a pictographic representation of the cycle of compulsive behavior and it can apply to just about any addiction.

The "V"

For many the V is a wholly inaccurate depiction, the WWWWWWWWWWW would be far more accurate. Having gone through my fair share of this unpleasant roller coaster, I finally find myself in the right place. People don't like to hear good news. In fact it has become almost vulgar to announce good news because it just makes you a target for those who need to validate their own endless shortcomings by ridiculing and belittling the achievements of others. Well vulgarity be damned, I clawed my way up here tooth and nail, kicking and screaming the whole way and well gosh darn it I intend to make some noise about it.

I have taken a machete to the dead weight in my life and made things extremely simple. I go to the gym, I go to work, I go to the bank and I go home. I have distanced myself from drama, negativity, and self destructive behavior. I have learned how to say NO. I have learned to distinguish between friends and acquaintances, assets and liabilities, family and family. I am on track to retire by 30 and spend even more time writing about things that people don't want to hear.

What is that I hear?

Lies! Impossible! He must be depressed. What is he really up to? Why is he trying so hard to hide the fact that he's miserable? Nobody could actually enjoy living that life, he's so full of shit. We'll see how long he lasts. He'll be back at the bottom of the V in no time. Well sure if I did it THAT way then I'd be fine and dandy too. It'll never work just wait and see.

Well doubt is ingrained in human nature and I am not immune.

Alas there is a conflict. (Aha! shout the masses)

Having put everything I want into place I find myself somewhat bored. The only thing that I can do now is create problems for myself either by getting into trouble or by tackling another person's trouble. When the hustle and bustle of life's endless petty issues have finally been resolved the resulting silence is deafening. I find myself slightly confused in these quiet moments at the end of the day. There is nothing more that I can do for the day except go to sleep or go stir up some trouble.

I have achieved peace, balance and clarity and I even accept that this equilibrium is bound to be disturbed by events beyond my control, but I also know that I will eventually return to this baseline. So I guess I'm here at wwwwwwww------------------

------. Temptation hovers at the periphery like a horde of barbarians lurking in the woods just beyond the gate. I suppose it's only a matter of time before they make a concerted charge, but until then I'll just enjoy the peace and do my part to keep those gates sealed.

Self-critique

You know the night has gotten a tad bit too boring when you find yourself re-reading your own rants. Just another item on the laundry list of symptoms that make up this deeply disturbed individual. Why do I type out these notoriously long tirades about everything and nothing? What credentials do I have to make sweeping generalizations about life, love and liberty? What have I accomplished in my 27 years that give me the right to pontificate philosophy from my increasingly uncomfortable computer chair in the middle of the night?

Absolutely nothing.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the beauty of the United States of America and the internet. If I was born 20 years earlier and didn't have so much work to do I'd probably be scrawling this out on the walls of a random highway underpass. But AOL, Asian Avenue, Xanga, and now Facebook have given me a forum to articulate my mundane madness for the masses. Well masses is a bit to melodramatic. It's more like the errant digital drifter who happens to find some relevant resonance in my rambling or perhaps just someone who has run out of energy on Mafia Wars.

But back to the self-critique. My rants tend to have the same pattern; offensive opener, endless analogies, run-on sentences, hyper-critical lists, attacks on governmental ineptitude, list of semi-comical one liners, a lot of self-referential humor all wrapped up with a few more endless analogies and concludes with a few more one liners with some vague pop-cultural or historical reference.

But tonight, since I stayed home for this entire holiday weekend, I'm going to talk to you with as little hyperbole as I can manage. I know I have a few serial readers whose feedback is always appreciated. But for those of you who read and say nothing. Thanks for reading and please feel free to chime in anytime.

So my questions to you in no particular order.

Where do you see yourself going?
What are you working so hard towards?
What is going to make you happy?
Is happiness really what you're after?
Do you think that facebook is wasting hours of time every day that you'll never get back?
If you didn't need money, what would you do?
If you're doing something you don't like and you don't have money then why are you still doing it?
If you're doing something that you do like and you don't have money then how do you get by?
What are you running towards?
What are you running from?
What are you going to do once you get there?
I no longer enjoy clubbing or partying or even drinking. Any alternatives for fun?
Why are we all trying so hard?
What have you accomplished lately?
Are you just going through the motions and filling the void with as much noise as possible to drown out the crushing screams of emptiness that fill your mind whenever the white noise dies down?
Is this getting a little weird?

That's all I have for tonight folks. Please feel free to answer any or all of the questions and ask a few of your own. If you read these regularly then you probably already know my answer to most of those.