A very wise person sat me down today and told me that I had become a shell of my former self. In my unrelenting pursuit of personal growth I had ruthlessly stripped away my humanity. All I ever talk about anymore is real estate and poker. Under the guise of efficiency and dedication I had effectively become a one dimensional cliche; card playing, scotch swilling, snide commenting, broker-whore. Unfortunately she was absolutely right.
It takes a ton of nerve and a lot more compassion to put me in my place. Most people wouldn't take the time to steel themselves against the scathing tirades that rally in defense of my staunch self-denial. But she managed to hold a mirror up to my face long enough for me to see what I had wholeheartedly become of my own free will; a moderately successful underachiever on a one way track to becoming a lonely embittered old man who mutters to himself in the park.
The irony lies in the catalyst that set me upon this path about a decade or so ago. During college I learned that the secret to life was to enjoy it. What was most enjoyable at the time? Getting paid and getting laid. As the years wore on, an increasing amount of my actions were geared towards achieving those two very noble goals. Somewhere along the way I also learned that it is better to focus your energy on a single task; so nowadays the only thing that matters is getting paid.
Who doesn't like getting paid? All of history's greatest triumphs and darkest tragedies revolve around people trying to get paid. Ideally we would all get paid to do whatever our passions demand of us. Unfortunately there is only so much demand for Ninjas, cowboys, relationship advice columnists and princesses. To exacerbate the matter there are very few children who dream of becoming assembly line workers, dishwashers, disgruntled store managers and pamphlet distributors.
However us ever resourceful humans have devised countless methods of helping people bridge the mental and emotional gap between passion and profession, namely alcohol. Think back to the very first time that you did what you had to do instead of what you loved to do. The first time you did your homework instead of playing outside, the first time you took a summer job so you could go on a crazy spring break, the first time you put away your guitar and put on a tie, the first time you went home with the person you saw after the 10th shot instead of the one you were checking out in the coffee shop, the first time you worked a double so you could save for that down payment, the first time you bought sensible shoes instead of the ones that made your feet look like a Qing dynasty beauty but the rest of you look great, the first time you drove a minivan instead of a convertible.
The examples are endless, but we compromise our ideals for the sake of necessity we trade a little bit of our souls for some measure of solace. Solace in the fact that one day all of these little trades will pay off in a big way. Unfortunately for the vast majority of us we trade one too many pieces of our soul's true ambitions and we end up with an unrecognizable mess of half-baked plans; dead-end jobs, loveless marriages, spiteful kids, massive debt, and a massive void inside us that no amount of illicit affairs, shiny cars, oceanfront villas and fat bank accounts could ever hope to fill.
Talk about going off on a tangent.
Why did I suddenly discover that the secret to life was simply enjoying it?
I used to have much loftier goals. I wanted to save the planet, captain a starship, rid the world of greed, become a kung fu master and prosecute criminals to the fullest extent of the law. But after witnessing how much corruption, hypocrisy and self-serving duplicity is ingrained into so many people, I quite simply gave up. I lost my will to fight the good fight and instead focused all of my abilities on obtaining the most meaningless and transient things possible. So I find myself on a hedonic treadmill where nothing I earn is ever enough to quench my wants because of a deeply rooted self-loathing which stems from having surrendered to my baser instincts.
Where does this leave me?
I have a lot more writing to do. In her valiant attempt to salvage the remnants of my soul she suggested that I find something that I still enjoy doing outside of real estate and poker. Something that I can take pride in regardless of whether or not I actually make any money doing it. If in the course of pursuing said activity, I happen to make some money then I can try to turn it into a career I enjoy and then use it to achieve something and to make a positive contribution to some segment of society.
The first step was to create this blog. I have always enjoyed writing. Getting the words out of my head and onto paper or a screen is an extremely therapeutic pastime for me. Keeping all of these thoughts bottled up would have likely led to an psychotic breakdown.
For those who are reading my thoughts for the first time, welcome to the madhouse. I will transfer all of my old rants from Facebook in their entirety to this blog, so if you're bored at work and you want to have a couple of laughs, get a little angry and dip into the crazy then read through them. Just keep away from sharp objects and open windows.
For my veteran readers, thank you for taking the time to absorb what I have to say. Whether you take offense at this grammatically challenged raving loony asshole or take heart that there is a kindred spirit who shares in your frustrations, I hope that it at least makes you think. As long as we keep thinking there's a chance.
If I can be pulled back from the edge, anyone can.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Doors
I was reading a transcript of Patrick Henry's impassioned speech at the Second Virginia convention in 1775. A singularly beautiful piece of writing and regardless of whether or not he was that actually that articulate 235 years ago, the sentiment still ring resoundingly sincere. In the face of an indomitable foe, a single man's earnest desire for freedom helped launch a nation such as the world has never seen.
But today I'll take my inspiration from a man with arguably less impact, the godfather of poker, Mr. Doyle Brunson, the pioneer of modern poker.
"The doors we open and close each day determine the lives we live." - Doyle Brunson
I spent the first twenty-plus years of my life learning how to open doors. Intellectual, emotional, social, physical, spiritual, financial and even actual doors; steel, wood, fire proof, etc. However in recent years I find myself spending more and more time closing them.
I began closing my intellectual doors in high school when I decided that academia would never figure prominently in my future, emotional ones I learned to close out of necessity, social ones out of preference, physical ones out of laziness, spiritual ones out of disappointment and financial ones if they led to red.
I have very few doors left to close and to go re-opening the old ones seems a little Sisyphean.
So does that leave me on a very narrow path to becoming an embittered old man who throws rocks at happy children? Maybe, but kids are very annoying these days.
Curious about my condition, I decided to do a little research into the term "loner." After an exhaustive search I stumbled upon the holy grail of answers, Wikipedia. The universal repository of half-baked knowledge informed me that there are two distinct types of loners.
1) Those who are deemed awkward and strange by the majority of society and subsequently ostracized to the fringe.
2) Those who deem society awkward and strange and isolate themselves from the majority.
Sounds a lot like half a pound vs. 8 ounces or rather we all hate you vs. I hate you all.
Sadly for those who haven't been paying attention I am a card carrying member of the latter group.
I kid you not. Every morning I wake up and take a few deep breaths, I bask in the glory that is life and I prepare myself for a day of positive change and goodwill towards all mankind. I doubt if I can count on one hand the number of days where I've felt the same way when I go to bed.
People just really really suck.
They're stupid. They're lazy. They're selfish. They're short-sighted, narrow-minded, thick-skulled, dim-witted, self-serving, self-aggrandizing, self-hating, overweight, underweight, arrogant, wrathful, petty, ignorant, ugly, vile, wretched creatures and those are just the other drivers on the road in the morning.
Sure every now and then you'll get a marine jumping on a grenade to save his friends, rescue workers running into fires to save babies, babies calling 911 to save their mothers, mothers beating muggers, muggers turning murderers and murderers killing rapists, but think of all of the evil that has to exist in order to highlight those isolated incidents of goodness.
But I digress. Let's keep the scope of this diatribe against humanity socio-economically local.
There was a news report of 5000 people showing up to apply for 300 hotel jobs at the new intercontinental in Times Square. This was a story designed to engender sympathy for the working man and shine spotlight on the dismal state of the economy. Well you know what? There is no sympathy. There are countless ways to make money, what people need is a rigorous course in PROBABILITY.
300 out of 5000 equals 6% which means you'd have to be better than 94% of the field. In other words you'd have to be an A quality candidate. Now if you were an A quality candidate, do you really think that you'd have to stand in a line of 5000 people?
Someone that really needed money and was somehow drawn to Times Square on the same day as the other 4999 people waiting for a handout from the Intercontinental (which is severely overrated by the way, the Peninsula is much better) would have done one of the following.
A) Buy 200 (24pk) cases of bottled water from Costco ($1200) and sell them for $1 each and net $3000+ in profit (gas, ice, transportation, coolers, runners)
B) Compile a list of job offers from Craigslist and print them into a 4 page brochure format at Staples and print a few thousand copies then sell job offers for $6 bucks a pop. Profit at least $5000+
C) Sell tickets to a job hunting/wealth building/health creating seminar at $10 dollars each or 2 for $18 or a 10 pack for $68 Profit: at least a year's worth of working at the InterContinental
D....infinity) ANYTHING EXCEPT WAIT IN THE GOD DAMN LINE
Wealth, security, health, happiness and success are not granted to those who wait their turn for it. It's SIEZE THE DAY not wait for the day to stroke you off because you deserve it.
Life is so agonizingly simple that it drives men to madness trying to figure out there must be more. Well there isn't.
Here are the answers to all of life's mysteries.
Spend less than you earn, eat less than you burn.
Better to be lucky than good, so go knock on wood.
Only what you do counts for anything,
doesn't matter what you would, could or should.
Whining about how hard you're trying
is as useful as putting out a forest fire with you're crying.
If I ever have kids, that will be their lullaby. That will be monogrammed on their blankets, carved into their jade necklaces, inscribed onto little plaques for their first cars, hung in the banquet halls of their weddings, etc. etc. etc.
If you're fat it's because you eat too much, if you're lonely it's because people don't like you, if you're broke it's because you spend too much and make too little.
It really is that simple. If you're the exception to the rule, then you know what? You're just un fucking lucky and that sucks, but so do you, so whaddya want me to do about it? Refer to the answer to life listed above.
This is what happens when I don't drink.
But today I'll take my inspiration from a man with arguably less impact, the godfather of poker, Mr. Doyle Brunson, the pioneer of modern poker.
"The doors we open and close each day determine the lives we live." - Doyle Brunson
I spent the first twenty-plus years of my life learning how to open doors. Intellectual, emotional, social, physical, spiritual, financial and even actual doors; steel, wood, fire proof, etc. However in recent years I find myself spending more and more time closing them.
I began closing my intellectual doors in high school when I decided that academia would never figure prominently in my future, emotional ones I learned to close out of necessity, social ones out of preference, physical ones out of laziness, spiritual ones out of disappointment and financial ones if they led to red.
I have very few doors left to close and to go re-opening the old ones seems a little Sisyphean.
So does that leave me on a very narrow path to becoming an embittered old man who throws rocks at happy children? Maybe, but kids are very annoying these days.
Curious about my condition, I decided to do a little research into the term "loner." After an exhaustive search I stumbled upon the holy grail of answers, Wikipedia. The universal repository of half-baked knowledge informed me that there are two distinct types of loners.
1) Those who are deemed awkward and strange by the majority of society and subsequently ostracized to the fringe.
2) Those who deem society awkward and strange and isolate themselves from the majority.
Sounds a lot like half a pound vs. 8 ounces or rather we all hate you vs. I hate you all.
Sadly for those who haven't been paying attention I am a card carrying member of the latter group.
I kid you not. Every morning I wake up and take a few deep breaths, I bask in the glory that is life and I prepare myself for a day of positive change and goodwill towards all mankind. I doubt if I can count on one hand the number of days where I've felt the same way when I go to bed.
People just really really suck.
They're stupid. They're lazy. They're selfish. They're short-sighted, narrow-minded, thick-skulled, dim-witted, self-serving, self-aggrandizing, self-hating, overweight, underweight, arrogant, wrathful, petty, ignorant, ugly, vile, wretched creatures and those are just the other drivers on the road in the morning.
Sure every now and then you'll get a marine jumping on a grenade to save his friends, rescue workers running into fires to save babies, babies calling 911 to save their mothers, mothers beating muggers, muggers turning murderers and murderers killing rapists, but think of all of the evil that has to exist in order to highlight those isolated incidents of goodness.
But I digress. Let's keep the scope of this diatribe against humanity socio-economically local.
There was a news report of 5000 people showing up to apply for 300 hotel jobs at the new intercontinental in Times Square. This was a story designed to engender sympathy for the working man and shine spotlight on the dismal state of the economy. Well you know what? There is no sympathy. There are countless ways to make money, what people need is a rigorous course in PROBABILITY.
300 out of 5000 equals 6% which means you'd have to be better than 94% of the field. In other words you'd have to be an A quality candidate. Now if you were an A quality candidate, do you really think that you'd have to stand in a line of 5000 people?
Someone that really needed money and was somehow drawn to Times Square on the same day as the other 4999 people waiting for a handout from the Intercontinental (which is severely overrated by the way, the Peninsula is much better) would have done one of the following.
A) Buy 200 (24pk) cases of bottled water from Costco ($1200) and sell them for $1 each and net $3000+ in profit (gas, ice, transportation, coolers, runners)
B) Compile a list of job offers from Craigslist and print them into a 4 page brochure format at Staples and print a few thousand copies then sell job offers for $6 bucks a pop. Profit at least $5000+
C) Sell tickets to a job hunting/wealth building/health creating seminar at $10 dollars each or 2 for $18 or a 10 pack for $68 Profit: at least a year's worth of working at the InterContinental
D....infinity) ANYTHING EXCEPT WAIT IN THE GOD DAMN LINE
Wealth, security, health, happiness and success are not granted to those who wait their turn for it. It's SIEZE THE DAY not wait for the day to stroke you off because you deserve it.
Life is so agonizingly simple that it drives men to madness trying to figure out there must be more. Well there isn't.
Here are the answers to all of life's mysteries.
Spend less than you earn, eat less than you burn.
Better to be lucky than good, so go knock on wood.
Only what you do counts for anything,
doesn't matter what you would, could or should.
Whining about how hard you're trying
is as useful as putting out a forest fire with you're crying.
If I ever have kids, that will be their lullaby. That will be monogrammed on their blankets, carved into their jade necklaces, inscribed onto little plaques for their first cars, hung in the banquet halls of their weddings, etc. etc. etc.
If you're fat it's because you eat too much, if you're lonely it's because people don't like you, if you're broke it's because you spend too much and make too little.
It really is that simple. If you're the exception to the rule, then you know what? You're just un fucking lucky and that sucks, but so do you, so whaddya want me to do about it? Refer to the answer to life listed above.
This is what happens when I don't drink.
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