Doors

I was reading a transcript of Patrick Henry's impassioned speech at the Second Virginia convention in 1775. A singularly beautiful piece of writing and regardless of whether or not he was that actually that articulate 235 years ago, the sentiment still ring resoundingly sincere. In the face of an indomitable foe, a single man's earnest desire for freedom helped launch a nation such as the world has never seen.

But today I'll take my inspiration from a man with arguably less impact, the godfather of poker, Mr. Doyle Brunson, the pioneer of modern poker.

"The doors we open and close each day determine the lives we live." - Doyle Brunson

I spent the first twenty-plus years of my life learning how to open doors. Intellectual, emotional, social, physical, spiritual, financial and even actual doors; steel, wood, fire proof, etc. However in recent years I find myself spending more and more time closing them.

I began closing my intellectual doors in high school when I decided that academia would never figure prominently in my future, emotional ones I learned to close out of necessity, social ones out of preference, physical ones out of laziness, spiritual ones out of disappointment and financial ones if they led to red.

I have very few doors left to close and to go re-opening the old ones seems a little Sisyphean.

So does that leave me on a very narrow path to becoming an embittered old man who throws rocks at happy children? Maybe, but kids are very annoying these days.

Curious about my condition, I decided to do a little research into the term "loner." After an exhaustive search I stumbled upon the holy grail of answers, Wikipedia. The universal repository of half-baked knowledge informed me that there are two distinct types of loners.

1) Those who are deemed awkward and strange by the majority of society and subsequently ostracized to the fringe.

2) Those who deem society awkward and strange and isolate themselves from the majority.

Sounds a lot like half a pound vs. 8 ounces or rather we all hate you vs. I hate you all.

Sadly for those who haven't been paying attention I am a card carrying member of the latter group.

I kid you not. Every morning I wake up and take a few deep breaths, I bask in the glory that is life and I prepare myself for a day of positive change and goodwill towards all mankind. I doubt if I can count on one hand the number of days where I've felt the same way when I go to bed.

People just really really suck.

They're stupid. They're lazy. They're selfish. They're short-sighted, narrow-minded, thick-skulled, dim-witted, self-serving, self-aggrandizing, self-hating, overweight, underweight, arrogant, wrathful, petty, ignorant, ugly, vile, wretched creatures and those are just the other drivers on the road in the morning.

Sure every now and then you'll get a marine jumping on a grenade to save his friends, rescue workers running into fires to save babies, babies calling 911 to save their mothers, mothers beating muggers, muggers turning murderers and murderers killing rapists, but think of all of the evil that has to exist in order to highlight those isolated incidents of goodness.

But I digress. Let's keep the scope of this diatribe against humanity socio-economically local.

There was a news report of 5000 people showing up to apply for 300 hotel jobs at the new intercontinental in Times Square. This was a story designed to engender sympathy for the working man and shine spotlight on the dismal state of the economy. Well you know what? There is no sympathy. There are countless ways to make money, what people need is a rigorous course in PROBABILITY.

300 out of 5000 equals 6% which means you'd have to be better than 94% of the field. In other words you'd have to be an A quality candidate. Now if you were an A quality candidate, do you really think that you'd have to stand in a line of 5000 people?

Someone that really needed money and was somehow drawn to Times Square on the same day as the other 4999 people waiting for a handout from the Intercontinental (which is severely overrated by the way, the Peninsula is much better) would have done one of the following.

A) Buy 200 (24pk) cases of bottled water from Costco ($1200) and sell them for $1 each and net $3000+ in profit (gas, ice, transportation, coolers, runners)

B) Compile a list of job offers from Craigslist and print them into a 4 page brochure format at Staples and print a few thousand copies then sell job offers for $6 bucks a pop. Profit at least $5000+

C) Sell tickets to a job hunting/wealth building/health creating seminar at $10 dollars each or 2 for $18 or a 10 pack for $68 Profit: at least a year's worth of working at the InterContinental

D....infinity) ANYTHING EXCEPT WAIT IN THE GOD DAMN LINE

Wealth, security, health, happiness and success are not granted to those who wait their turn for it. It's SIEZE THE DAY not wait for the day to stroke you off because you deserve it.

Life is so agonizingly simple that it drives men to madness trying to figure out there must be more. Well there isn't.

Here are the answers to all of life's mysteries.

Spend less than you earn, eat less than you burn.
Better to be lucky than good, so go knock on wood.
Only what you do counts for anything,
doesn't matter what you would, could or should.
Whining about how hard you're trying
is as useful as putting out a forest fire with you're crying.


If I ever have kids, that will be their lullaby. That will be monogrammed on their blankets, carved into their jade necklaces, inscribed onto little plaques for their first cars, hung in the banquet halls of their weddings, etc. etc. etc.

If you're fat it's because you eat too much, if you're lonely it's because people don't like you, if you're broke it's because you spend too much and make too little.

It really is that simple. If you're the exception to the rule, then you know what? You're just un fucking lucky and that sucks, but so do you, so whaddya want me to do about it? Refer to the answer to life listed above.

This is what happens when I don't drink.