There are 10 types of people in this world

"There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."
-mathematical humor on a T-shirt

On most mornings I drive across the Williamsburg bridge to get into the city. Generally traffic is miserably congested and strangely lopsided. One roadway is bumper to bumper while the other one is smooth cruising the entire length of the bridge. There are four lanes divided into an inner and outer roadway. The inner roadway has limited clearance so trucks and other large vehicles are forced to use the outer roadway. Conventional wisdom would suggest that in the absence of additional information, the lane without trucks would move the fastest. So the inner roadway should be the route of choice.

However you have to take into account the fact that there are far more cars than there are trucks and the majority of trucks are forced onto the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridge because of height restrictions on the Williamsburg. Also truck drivers tend to be more experienced and if they're out on the road in the morning then they are on a route and should be moving with some urgency. So a simple analysis of the situation would reveal that the outer roadway is ideal.

But at the end of the bridge the outer roadway is further divided. The right lane must turn right onto Clinton St; a small thoroughfare with heavy pedestrian traffic clogging the crosswalk which in turn jams the right lane back about 1/3 of the bridge length. Drivers attempting to make lane changes at the end of the bridge also back up traffic on the outer roadway.

So no we're back to square 1. Take the inner road way.

However at the end of the inner roadway the bridge opens into an S shaped wall of orange cones which creates a brief bottlneck between the first and 2nd traffic lights on Delancey. This causes a merging nightmare as frustrated morning drivers refuse to yield to each other.

So what the hell do you do? Which way has less traffic? Which route will be a 3 minute zip and which one will be a 25 minute stop and go exercise in road rage?

You have to choose.

Left or right.

If you guess correctly then you will be rewarded with an expeditious crossing of the east river and be on your way into Manhattan with a smile on your face. If you guess incorrectly then you will have to endure a snail's crawl across the span while watching the drivers who made the correct choice rush past you. As you roll forward inches at a time it begins to feel as if every car whooshing past you in the other lane is filled with a smugly self-satisfied driver laughing hysterically at your predicament.

So as you get on the bridge whether from the BQE ramp, Roebling street or through Washington Plaza you face a choice. Cars appear to be moving quickly in both lanes, but you know better than that. You know that one way is heaven and the other way is hell. But time is running out. This is a decision that will affect the rest of your day, your week or even your year.

Left?

Right?

PICK ONE!

Pause.

Go into bullet time. Everything slows down as the breadth and depth of experience washes over you. Take into account the time of day, the traffic patterns around you, is it a Jewish holiday, is school in session, have the medium sized rigs already made their delivery, what day of the week is it, do you see any Chinese commuter vans (they always know which lane is clear.)

There are 3 seconds left until the fork in the road.

Think faster!

Two. Why oh why didn't you just wake up earlier today.

One.

Then your eye catches it. A flashing orange light and a long slow road of traffic. It's a lane closure!!! One of the roadways is experiencing a lane closure. This makes the decision crystal clear.

The lane closure is flashing brightly in the outer roadway.

Which way do you go?

If you can't stand the heat

Buy an air conditioner.

If only all of life's problems were so easy to solve. But they are. Earlier today I watched a short documentary on minimum wage workers, aptly titled "Minimum Wage." Imagine Morgan Spurlock sitting at his desk. Having spent months chronicling the harsh struggles of the working poor in their futile conflict of sustenance versus solvency he needed to come up with a title. He spent 30 days working minimum wage jobs to experience what millions of Americans have to deal with on a daily basis. What should he name his documentary about living on minimum wage? Eureka! MINIMUM WAGE!

One more problem solved.

But let's move on to bigger problems. Minimum wage is not an issue that the Facebook demographic has to contend with. However the plight of the minimum wage worker is universal, financial inadequacy, or more colloquially, being broke-ass.

American society has a hypocritical adoration and false sympathy for the noble poor who live on nothing even though we all want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. What is the difference between what a laborer is worth and what a laborer is paid?

PROFIT....gasp.

This applies to all employees whether you're scraping roadkill off a highway or batting for the Yankees (Mets players are probably the sole exception to this universal principle.) Somebody is making money off of you. That's how the system works. Supply and demand in all of its infinite combinations.


Recoil in liberal horror as the harsh reality of a capitalist market based economy crashes on your bleeding heart.

When did profit become a dirty word? Why do corporations get away with using hordes of minimum wage or even below minimum wage workers? The same reason why the land is littered with drug dealers and prostitutes. Because people are willing to do it. This is not because they don't know that there are other opportunities, but because they settle for what they can get instead of what they can reach.

The driving force behind our entire economy and cultural psychology is bridging the gap between the haves and have-nots. Whether it's; food, freedom, security, iPads, iPhones, iPods, cars, yachts, mansions and lingerie model trophy girlfriends, consumption is key.

Once our basic needs of water, food and shelter are met, everything else becomes a whirlpool of advertisements, social programming and general white noise to occupy our sentient minds which would otherwise implode trying to figure out why the universe exists.

How the hell did we get go from economics to existentialist metaphysics? Back to minimum wage.

There is a large supply of people on this planet and all of them have a host of physiological demands. However since we decided to move past living in caves we also have a massive manufactured psychological demand for stuff. As the supply of people increases geometrically the artificial demand for stuff must also increase. Because we've done such a fine job of producing and distributing food, because there has to be something else to occupy the masses with once they're full.

How on earth does all of this justify minimum wage?

Minimum wage jobs have extremely high rates of turnover because people cannot survive on it. It is the inherent in unsustainable nature of this labor which drives people to seek out more gainful sources of employment or entrepreneurship. It takes some measure of being poor and hungry to motivate people to become rich and fat.

But then why do some people get stuck in these dead-end jobs for their whole lives? That's not right. That's not fair. They deserve better. No. They don't.

Social Darwinism. Those who are satisfied with their lot in life stop striving for a better one. Those who are unsatisfied with their life, but take no meaningful steps to improve it are getting exactly what they deserve. Those who try and fail are simply unfortunate, but they can live their lives satisfied in the knowledge that they've already gone much farther than most who simply bitch and moan.

Many of the greatest innovators in the history of humanity have started with little or nothing. Through sheer force of will, faith in their vision and fortitude of spirit they have forged nations, bent light, built cities and created gold from every substance imaginable.

So either make an effort to realize your dreams or resign yourself to the fact that even though your life will be a menial nightmare you are helping someone else create wealth.

Earn or burn, there's always a choice.