Don't eat your own shit!

What does it say about the state of the world when something so fundamentally simple is constantly overlooked? DO NOT EAT YOUR OWN SHIT! It's definitely disgusting, probably unhealthy and just plain stupid. Yet day after day and hour after hour I see one person after another shoveling handfuls of their own excrement into their own mouths.

Other people's excrement can sometimes be disguised with fancy fragrances or mixed in with cookie dough and covered in lovely little sugar cubes, so while still quite disturbing, eating the crapola of other people is forgivable. However when it comes to your own creation, there can be no doubt as to its content nor its origin. Quite simply, it's your own shit why on earth would you consume it? This may be a little too graphic, even for me, so let's get to the heart of the matter.

The moral of the story is DO NOT believe your own lies. It's the same as paying yourself with counterfeit money that you print using your own feces as a minting plate. While morally objectionable, lying to others is a necessary evil to lubricate social situations and for a wide array of other self-serving purposes. However when you lie to yourself you begin a slippery slope of detaching yourself from reality. Because honesty, the undiluted distribution of mutually accepted facts that withstand both objective and subjective scrutiny, is integral to a functional society. You can only tell so many people it's okay to walk off of a roof before you get in some serious trouble (then again, we're probably all better off without whoever listens to you.)

"Everything is going to be all right." This is the one piece of shit that nearly everyone has told to some one else at some point in their lives. But alas Virginia there is no Santa Claus, he was captured over Area 51 last November and is currently extremely busy with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny drafting a universal health care bill for our commander in chief. But no everything will not be all right.

If you keep doing what you're doing then you will keep getting what you're getting. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Those physicists sure know their stuff. That being said, I really don't understand why people continue to repeat their mistakes and then marvel at the audacity of the universe to deny them their rightful gifts. If you eat shit, I daresay it will taste like shit.

I think that I am beating a dead horse. But let me be the first to say that I have eaten far more than my fair share of my own doodoo. In fact I was once a doo doo eating champion of the world. I made Joey Chestnut look like Ghandi on a particularly oppressive day of British rule. But eventually even I grew weary of the taste. Quite frankly, it tasted like shit. That is BAD. Bad is not good. GOOD is GOOD. So no eating shit=GOOD. Sarcasm is unattractive. (Snideness however is very amusing)

Other than the savory texture and mild hallucinogenic effects, eating shit had absolutely no lasting benefits. What ended up happening is that I spent years running a marathon on a treadmill. I may have logged 26.2 miles in record time, but I traveled a distance of exactly 0. For all those of you who have a penchant for dining on dung heed my warnings. Embracing your own lies will lead to social, financial, emotional and mental paralysis. As you retain more and more of the crap you will become increasingly unable to cope with life's barrage of challenges and adventures. Slowly your world will collapse into a Pavlovian or Opium junkie state of existence where your next bowel movement and your next meal coincide effortlessly.

Here comes the part that's gonna sting. Feel free to stop reading now. Just go grab some toilet paper and get ready for a midnight snack.




Seriously, unless you want to stop eating shit, stop reading now and go take a dinner break.




Well see there you go. You think that this doesn't apply to you. He ain't talking about me (please watch Chris Rock's take on misogynistic rap lyrics) This will apply in part or whole to nearly all of you and only one word in this sentence is a generous euphemism. (hint: nearly)

You will not go to the gym.
You will not lose weight.
Even if you do, you still won't get girls (guys.) If you do get them, they will still leave you for someone bigger (in every way), smarter, prettier, richer, nicer, cuter, better or in what will really sting, they'll leave for someone worse.
You are not going to win the WSOP.
You are not going to make a budget. If you do, you will not stick to it.
Your screenplay is not getting picked up.
Your only record deal will be a 2 for 1 special on Itunes downloads.
You will not make a million before 30. Most of you will be lucky to avoid Cuisine a la Alpo in your twilight years.
You will not win the lottery. If you do then obviously I am grossly mistaken and I had no idea that you were destined for greatness. Please forgive these eyes that do not recognize a great mountain. Now I have the perfect commercial development site for someone of your stature.
As for the rest of you.
You will not win the lottery.
You will not strike out on your own.
You will not break free of the rat race.
You will not meet the person of your dreams at an access nightlife party.
You will not hookup with that scantily dressed girl at the club.
For the girl in half of a dress; you will not command respect with your cleavage, but you will get free drinks, so more power to you.
For the girl in half of a dress that should be on the physical version of my metaphorical treadmill, please for the love of all that is holy, prove me wrong about the first item on this list and go to the damn gym.
You will not make millions with your next fabulous business plan.
Your buddies are definitely the worst people you can ever go into business with.
You can make millions without your friends and still stay friends.
NOPE. See even while trying my damnedest to be straightforward with you, I inadvertently popped a piece of shit into my mouth.
You CANNOT make millions without your friends and stay friends unless you break them off a nice chunk of said millions in which case they become quasi-parasitic prosti-friends which kind of nullifies the whole friend bit.
You are not special.
Jesus may love you, but if you can only derive solace from the affections of a supernatural demigod whose alternative is brutal torture at the hands of roman soldiers or living at home in the shadow of his omnipotent father then you really have some socialization problems.
You are not black.
In case you are black, then...you are not white.
In case you are white, then...you are not Chinese.
In case you are Chinese, then...you are neither black nor white, you do not have the best quality crab, you did grow up drinking more coca-cola than sorrow, but you sure do bitch a lot more than those who grew up with real sorrow i.e., boy soldiers, child prostitutes, amputated beggars and of course EVERYONE ELSE!
For the denser among you, including myself, that means PLEASE stop bitching.
You are reading the maniacal exhortations of a very frustrated and exhausted real estate agent who absolutely cannot stand the hypocrisy that blankets the world like a cloak of everlasting SHIT.
Therefore you have too much time on your hands.
You need to wake up.
You need to go to the gym.
You need not worry because

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

mmm....shit....