Men of a Certain Age

Men of A Certain Age is a great new show on TNT featuring Ray Romano, Scott Bakula and Andre Braugher. Maybe I should be concerned that a show depicting the trials and struggles of 40-something men resonates so strongly with me. But I guess we all grow up a little too fast these days.

I was at a stop sign on the corner of North 11th Street and Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg today on the way to an appointment. Having already stopped at the sign I rolled through the crosswalk to check for oncoming traffic. A pack of teenagers begin to cross the street. I roll forward to allow them to pass, but one of the leaders of tomorrow decides to cross in front of me, so I stop. The rest of the pack is crossing behind the car and one of them bangs on my trunk window angrily. I glance out the passenger side window to see a bunch of them giving me dirty looks and rude gestures.

In the ensuing two seconds a remarkably complex and detailed chain of events unfolded in my mind. Perhaps I've been watching too much Lost. I felt the usual warning signs of danger.

Pupils dilating- taking in the whole scene; 8 teens. 1 with his back turned continuing to walk. 7 of them staring at me. 4 small ones, 2 medium sized and 1 oaf sized. The large one is the pack leader holding his chin up with a defiant stare. The rest are divided half with hesitant fear playing across their faces and the other 3 slightly emboldened by their proximity to the big one. No visible weapons, thick jackets but thin jeans.

Jaw clenching- give the most bloodthirsty scream you can manage.

Blood pressure skyrocketing- throw the car in park, close the distance with maximum possible speed. The weaker ones will naturally back away, the large one will step forward. Take out his knees, keep your hands up, use your forward momentum to throw the smaller ones into each otehr.


Adrenaline pumping- If you can't trigger their flight response with the first charge, then you are going to get hit. A lot. Immobilize the largest threat, find a weapon, keep them in front of you, use oncoming traffic to your advantage, throats, balls, kidneys, knees, anything vulnerable, make them bleed, KILL KILL KILL.

That was the first second.

In the second second.

Cost benefit analysis- What do I gain by fighting a pack of street punks. Experience? Glory? A good facebook story? Maybe someone will catch it on video, I'll become a youtube sensation and get a bit part in Rush Hour 4. (I kid you not these thoughts ran through my mind)

What ifs- if they produce knives, boxcutters or firearms game over. If you get hit by a car game over. If you slip on your shoe laces, embarrassingly game over. If you manage to actually kill or paralyze one of them will they sue? Prison? Do I have enough personal liability insurance. What if I'm late for my appointment? Am I going to blow 10k on a street fight? What if I just throw this in reverse and run these mofos down? Vehicular manslaughter...at least 3 counts. That's 3-8 upstate minimum.

Analysis- I'm really out numbered here. I might actually lose this fight. I'm too old for this shit. I'm chickening out.


Final result. I spent two seconds in the crosswalk and then drove away.

Hooligans: 1 Antonio: 0

Did I do the right thing? Most would say yes. I have no business fighting in the street. There are 7 of them. The greatest victory is not having to fight. BLAH BLAH BLAH. All that is well and good and I could pat myself on the back for my epic maturity IF and only if I would never fight in those circumstances.

I don't know.

I could have taught that pack of shitheads that Chinese guys are not the sick men of Asia. I could have reinforced one of our best cultural stereotypes and show them the "real power" of Chinese kung fu. lol I could be licensed to carry firearms and gunned them down....for banging on my car. lol

Ultimately there was no reason to fight in that situation. As much as those assholes deserved a beating, assuming I was able to administer said beating, they would not associate the punishment with the crime. They would simply cradle their broken arms, put a splint on their dislocated knees, wipe their bloody noses and ice down their bruised throats and feel as if they were victims of a deranged SUV driver.

Whether it is the fear of injury that comes with age or the wisdom that comes with time, I abstained from violence. But what really upsets me isn't the fact that I didn't brawl with a bunch of jerkoff high school kids. I can safely say that I won't get involved in petty altercations where there is nothing to gain and everything to lose.

My question is, what happens when there is a fight that deserves to be fought? Let's say I happen upon a driver being harassed by a group of hooligans, will I join the fracas or will I rationalize my way out of that one too? With enough thinking, it can be reasoned that you should never fight and if a situation escalates to the point where violence is necessary then you should contact the proper authorities and let the trained professionals deal with the situation. Spoken like a true old man completely emasculated by an increasingly spineless culture.

There is a time to fight and there is a time to walk away. I just hope that when the time comes I'm still capable of making the first choice.

It's an age thing.